“What’s going on?” His fingers trailed from my temple to my bottom lip.
“Nothing, just thinking that my never didn’t really work out, did it?” I smiled and laughed, thinking about the fact that on our first date I’d told him that I would never ever sleep with him.
“No, but I will cherish what you gave me for the rest of my life,” he told me, making my tummy flip. The look in his eyes was so sincere that I held my breath. He leaned forward, his mouth opening over mine.
I pulled up in front of my house and shut off my car. I hopped out, opened the trunk, and pulled out my overnight bag. When I got inside, I tossed my bag into the laundry room, went into the kitchen, pulled a beer out of the fridge, and popped the tab, taking a deep drink. I pulled off my baseball cap, tossing it on the counter and ran my hand through my hair. I wanted to call Lilly and hear her voice again; we talked my whole drive home, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I looked around, seeing my space, wondering what she’d think of it. I wanted her here with me. I hated knowing I couldn’t see her whenever I wanted. I wanted to ask her to move closer, or just move in with me, but I knew it would be way too soon, so I held my tongue. I used to give Asher and Trevor a hard time about the way they acted when they both met their one…now I knew. I would die for Lilly; she was amazing, beautiful, and kind, and made me want to be a better person.
My phone rang from my pocket, bringing me out of my thoughts. I pulled it out, expecting it to be Lilly. The number was unknown. I answered, and just like that, with one phone call, my life changed.
“I love you, but I can’t see you anymore.” The words played over and over in my head. I could feel his pain, but didn’t understand it. I felt like my own chest was cracking open. He told me he loved me. He told me I was the one. Oh, God, I was going to be sick. I ran into the bathroom, the contents of my lunch coming up. Once I finished, I flushed the toilet, resting my cheek on the bathroom floor, not caring that it was probably dirty. I didn’t care about anything; I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to feel anything. I shut my eyes, trying to forget the pain that was consuming me.
I opened my eyes, feeling disoriented. The room was completely dark, and when I sat up, I realized I had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. I turned on the light and stripped off my clothes. I turned on the shower and climbed in before the water had a chance to heat up; the cold water jolted my system. My movements were automatic; I couldn’t feel anything. I got out, wrapping a towel around myself before going to my room, climbing under the covers, and falling back to sleep.
Over the next few weeks, I had a routine: class, eat, and sleep. I didn’t do anything outside of my routine. I couldn’t watch TV, and I couldn’t spend too much time on campus—any time I saw a couple, I would break down into tears, making me feel like a bigger loser than I already felt like. I was exhausted and sick; no matter how much I slept or what I ate, nothing changed. That was when I decided to go to the doctor, and for the second time in a few weeks, my life was turned upside-down.
“I am pregnant?” I asked for confirmation. The doctor looked at me over the top of his glasses, his eyes making me squirm.
“Yes, Ms. Donovan, that is what the urine test, blood test, and ultrasound all confirmed.
“Okay.” So I wanted to be sure that they were not getting false results and may have gone a little overboard, but what the f**k? I never thought I would be pregnant, especially when I had only had sex one time, and used a condom when I’d done it.
“I am going to give you a number to a clinic where you can get this taken care of,” the doctor said, making me feel somewhat better.
“That would be good.” I knew I would need to see someone about getting vitamins and talk to someone about how sick I had been. And I would need to call Cash and let him know what was going on, even if we weren’t together. I would never keep this from him.
“The procedure takes a couple hours; you will need to have someone go with you.”
“Procedure?” I knew my face scrunched up in confusion.
“The abortion.” My hands covered my stomach quickly. I never even thought about that; I shook my head.
“No, no way. I’m not getting an abortion.” I didn’t see anything wrong with that choice for others, but for me, it wasn’t an option.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Donovan, I thought we were talking about the same thing.” I shook my head, tears pooling in my eyes. “I will get you a number for an OB/GYN then.
“Thank you.” I swiped at my eyes, and the first bit of warmth came into the doctor’s face.
“You will be okay.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. I had my parents; they never let me down. I could go home…and do what? Live with my parents? Have them support my baby and me? That wasn’t an option. I would have to find a way to make it here. I would find a way to finish school, even if I had to do it online, and there were lots of single mothers in the world. I would just be one more. I would find a way to make it. Once the doctor finished and gave me the number for the OB/GYN, I left the office, making my way to the bus. I pulled out my phone, and for the first time in three weeks, I sent Cash a text.
Me: We need to talk.
Cash: We have nothing to talk about.
My stomach dropped at his response. He was never short or mean to me. I couldn’t understand what I had done.
Me: We do have something to talk about.
I felt my gut twist.
Cash: Get over it. We’re done. Don’t text me again.
My temper started to flare; I couldn’t believe that he would do this to me.
Me: I am having your baby, you dick.
Cash: Get rid of it. I am having a baby with my soon-to-be wife.
I read the words, ran to the trashcan on the corner of the street, and lost it. I couldn’t believe him! Who was this guy? A lady came over, offering me water and a napkin. I used it to wipe my mouth and thanked her for it. I looked down at the text, reading it again and again. I didn’t even know how I got home; I just remembered climbing into bed, my hands going to my stomach. I looked up at the ceiling in my room, not really seeing anything, just replaying all the good times I had with Cash…all the firsts I had with him. I knew that no matter what, the child growing inside of me was made out of love. Even though his or her father didn’t love me, I had loved him enough for the both of us.
“Daddy, are we there yet?” Jax moans from the backseat, making me smile. If we’re in the car for more than fifteen minutes, he is ready to bust out of his car seat. He has more energy than ten kids combined.